Thursday, 28 March 2013

lost and found

I have no photos to share today. Just words, in black and white, no grey areas, no in betweens, of soul searching completed.

There's more on my mind than making home. Really, it's the bigger picture of life, and how life is lived, that I am after. The house is just a by-product, or maybe an enabler, or maybe a bit of both.

But first, I want to put to words the more important, and that is family. In specific, raising children, at home. It's been two years since we pulled the girls from school. Two years of life outside a system I had no idea how much it controlled us, until we were far removed from it. And yet, just in my mind, I feel its control, still today. It controls my 'what ifs', it fights my trust in God, it brings doubts to my capabilities, even though the short comings of public school are not hard to miss. When I allow God to lead my school days, they are peaceful, they are more about spending time nurturing human needs and growing spiritual qualities. They are filled with good conversations, time slowed to really listen, time slowed to allow children, who in their nature are curious, creative and filled with imagination and potential, to become who they have been created to be. I struggle with this far too often. I find myself stressed and anxious, which should be my first red flag that this is not God's way. I find myself so far from qualified to be raising these kids, my kids, for me to step into and do right what has been entrusted by HIM to me. I go between putting my trust in completed workbooks rather than God's ability, through my husband and me, to do them right. I have been striving to win this battle, once and for all.

Easter is this weekend. I've been reading the gospels in the New Testament, the times of Jesus on Earth before He went to the cross, in my well worn Bible, leading up to the Cross. Most of the time I focus on the red letters, the words which came directly out of the mouth of Jesus. What was His perspective? Who did He spend time with? What was His heart in these varying moments? Suddenly, in a quiet moment, a stumbled upon something new. I wasn't looking for it. I was in the shower, actually, just getting myself ready for the day. Was Jesus not home schooled? He spent every day with his carpenter Dad. I can almost picture it: learning math through building with wood, listening to wise counsel from the parents He was entrusted to, Mary caring and nurturing, going about their days as Mother and Father and Son. I don't read any verses about Mary or Joseph worrying about Jesus' future, by enrolling Him in all sorts of programs, or activities, or things that would look right on paper. They simply took care of Him, knowing God had a purpose for His life, never doubting themselves or God's ability to pull it off. In fact, they were surprised when Jesus went off in His early teen years to sit with the Godly, to listen to them and astound them with His understanding of God the Father and Heavenly places. Mary and Joseph did not plan for this meeting. But still, God's purpose came to be, though his earthly parents were simple carpenters, not scholars, or teachers, no, they were young, very young without much life experience. That's how I feel some days - too young to know what I am doing, not schooled enough to know the psychology behind raising a human being for success, and certainly not wise enough to know who these beings really are, and how they will find their purpose and fulfill it. Is it not our jobs to nurture, to love, to teach them regular life skills, and through these, things like math and reading and writing? Can we not achieve in them all these things as a by-product of teaching them how to love Jesus, to bring out character in them, to serve others? These young years are short, far too short. Jesus' purpose came to light at the end of these years, not at the end of His teen years, which is an entirely other conversation altogether, one of which I am still searching the heart of God for. One of which raises the standards from the low expectations we have for those in-between years, to entering life as young adult, with purpose.

My heart yearns to trust God fully, because I know He knows best, He's the one who created them, I simply carried them for nine months, and have been chosen to love them, unconditionally, just how they are. What a gift this time is. A time so different from the rat race of adult life.

And so, as a side note only, I would like to announce we have carefully chosen the city house. We didn't even go see the country house with our contractor. No, God brought to light a fact we are not prepared to live with, and had no idea this was coming until yesterday, late afternoon... a NASCAR race track in the planning stage, to be built just down the street from that perfect, three stall red barn we fell in love with. I can not imagine moving there, later discovering there is no peace as it should be in the country, because car engines are roaring in the background. I am thankful for a God who leads, even when we usually don't quite understand in the moment. We can trust Him, with our future, and that of our most cherished.

Monday, 25 March 2013

making sense of it all

 I am going to allow you into my head for a moment, although I am not sure that is somewhere you would like to go, because there's confusion and a big mess in there. But join me, will you?

My husband and I are at a fork in the road. Two lives working out as one can bring its challenges, it brings compromise, but there's nothing like a good, long, emotional chat to show us once again, that we are walking side by side, and want to continue to do so, forever. Still my heart pulls me in a direction that his does not. And his heart dreams of things that mine does not. Is it possible to have it all? To live it all, together? I thought I was sure, sure of city life, sure of its security, sure of its predictability, sure of its comfort. Why then, for these past 6 weeks since putting a deposit on a brand new, quality built house which is oh-so-perfect inside, have my emotions hit rock bottom, have I felt this out of sorts, this kind of unrest, like none I have felt since we truly endured hard days, days of no income and toddlers in diapers, days in which we simply survived from one to the next. Could I possibly want a life less ordinary, less secure, days with hard physical work, ones that require an incredible amount of commitment, daily? Look at my bookshelves, and you'll see where my heart truly is. It's in family, in cooking, in Godliness, in mud and vegetables and chickens and horses. As I approach mid-life, a sense of urgency to avoid squandering the few days given to me, to us, husband, me, the two girls entrusted to us, grows with intensity. Living big, albeit simple, country living, seems more meaningful, satisfying, more grasping of what a life well used would look like. And it scares me, incredibly.

This beautiful house has more space than we can fill: four bedrooms, three and half baths, three family rooms, a kitchen and a coffee bar. Nobody can argue with the value of a new furnace, new windows, a perfectly sodded yard, common sense, really. Why choose an old, unpredictable farmhouse, which is far too small, and would need a messy addition. 

But oh, how my soul comes alive when I allow dreams to come flooding back in. Dreams of space, of barns full of life, of kids climbing trees, of my best friend enjoying a well deserved cup of tea with me overlooking our long days work, our hands tired but satisfied, the dog sleeping at our feet. 
 We've given ourselves one week to decide. Will our path take us to the right or the left, will we choose common sense or unpredictable. One thing is for sure:
Deuteronomy 28 promises us a future, one of a blessed life, and I know I can put my life in HIS hands, no need to worry here.

“Now it shall come to pass, if you diligently obey the voice of the Lord your God, to observe carefully all His commandments which I command you today, that the Lord your God will set you high above all nations of the earth. And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the Lord your God:
“Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the country.

Wednesday, 20 March 2013


I honestly do not remember selling a house to be this much work! I guess that's part of the package when you attempt a private sale. So far we have had 30+ showings, that's an average of one a day... I won't even begin to tell you how many hours of cleaning that is. I am sure you can imagine. I'd like to stay positive and say, we are close... so close I can some days taste it, so close, on other days I want to rip my hair out and give up. What I do know is I will never, ever take our new home for granted! We've certainly worked long and hard to get to this point (including many hours of renovations in the past few years).

In the meantime, we've kept up on home school activities, planned our next school year (and revised several times), enjoyed family time with family from the warm south, visited local farms (which I plan to make a big part of our 2013), read many good books (check out "Locavore" by Sarah Elton, a Canadian writing about the change of farming in Canada, and how to eat local in a country frozen half the year), dreamed about the new house, and started the girls with horse riding.